A Man Divided Against Himself Cannot Stand

Recently for Life Time Fitness as well as for The Superman Project, I have spent time speaking on major life changes. Its a topic that really hits home for me, and I think for most of us as well. We all seem to be curious about the realities and strategies of trying to redesign our lives and invariably when I share a little of my own story I seem to get the same question; "What was the turnaround point for you?" On the surface it seems like a simple enough question, but then I remember how many times I thought I had previously reached that "turn around point" only to continue on to years and years of more fast food and alcohol indulgence. It always makes me stop and think and look back to my lowest points. I have always loved an underdog, and I have always loved to read about people overcoming amazing hardship only to rise above the masses. So how is it that some people are able to instantly walk away from major problems like depression, addiction, paralyzing fears or even the tragic loss of family members, and go on to live happy and empowered lives? How is it that these people transform so completely in the face of so much pain, while others wallow in the gloom of the daily grind-or worse, struggle with something as seemingly simple as the battle to lose weight and eat healthyI believe the answer is in who are think we are. Not necessarily who we actually are- but who we convince ourselves we are. The reason I was unsuccessful for so many years in my resolve to quit abusing drugs and alcohol, was simply due to the fact that I had decided I was a drinker and a user. It was how I identified myself- how I thought of myself. I fancied myself in the long line of business men who handled the stress of doing something big by engaging in self destructive pursuits away from the office. I mentally tied my drinking and food addiction to everything I did. My indulgence so deteriorated my image of self  that I devolved to the point that I had associated my chemical addiction to my very heritage. Of course I had to use alcohol everyday, it was in the lexicon of who I was; my birthright. "I'm Irish for Gods sake" When I decided superficially I wasn't going to drink anymore, either because it was killing me or robbing me of my motivation to work, or even out of fear of adverse consequences with relationships- I was instantly in conflict. I was trying to remove a behavior that was tied to my very perception of who I was. Talk about mental anguish! No wonder my efforts to quit were so futile. I believe wholly that we cannot live in harmony when our actions and daily activities or not in line with our beliefs. That's the kinda shit that makes people suck on tail pipes or eat bullets. However, the day I changed my idea of who David Clark was, David Clark started to change his behavior.
I decided one day that I was an athlete. Further, I decided that I was a sober athlete. Granted, I didn't have much evidence to support my new theory, so I went out and made some. I went to the gym. I went to AA. I registered for a 5k. I told everyone that I had been living a lie. I also decided that I was not a fat person. I proclaimed that I was only fat because I had drifted off the path. I took my torch, fired it up and burned every bridge back to my old life. I started to think of myself as great father and a responsible member the community. I was a man that lived an honest life. I decided that everything I thought about myself previously must be wrong; if it wasn't wrong than why was I so unhappy before?
You don't have to dig too deep to find this in an old topic. Aristotle, the Dali Lama, Earl Nightingale and Tony Robbins have been telling us these things for ages, so if we all have this knowledge than why isn't everyone happy? Why are people addicted to food or drugs, or gambling? The answer may be that it's hard and uncomfortable to investigate our self image. We become very invested in our illusions and paradigms. We don't want to admit that we need to change. To let go of years of who we are almost feels like a failure of identity; it feels scary. I can say it is not. In fact it may be the gateway to the life we have always wanted for ourselves.
I have certainly not solved any great mystery of life, but I did solve the puzzle of why I was so unkind to myself for so many years. Being an addict has definitely caused me some pain in my life, there is no way to argue otherwise, but it has also brought me a tremendous gift. The gift of remembering the value of fearless self inventory and honesty- as well as the power of redefining who I am. My current image of me is nothing if it isn't malleable. I am constantly changing and refining it. And as long as I look in the mirror and see a guy who wants to improve the quality of the lives of the people he loves, as long as I see a sober and healthy man, a loving father... I will keep my head down and keep running straight for the finish line without looking back.

I Am No Hero

     That is for sure. I have a long scar at the base of my spine that reminds me I cannot catch bullets or leap tall buildings. Sure, I try to push the barrier of my capabilities to the edge- and so far it turns out that my limits were miles ahead of where I thought-but I never get too far before I am reminded that I am human. Not only human but a very flawed one at that.

    I have nothing figured out. I am broke. I am 40 years old and I work part time for pennies. And the most amazing thing is I may have spent everyday of my life without the benefit of actually learning anything. Sure I go through periods of time where I think I understand things, but upon deep inspection I realize I was off by a thousand miles. That doesn't mean that I haven't been able to accomplish a couple things along the way, I lost some weight, managed to stop drinking myself to death and figured out that there is nothing more important than my kids, but other than that...

     Perhaps my problem is that I am the most selfish person in the world. Yeah, I do things. Actually I do lots of things to help other people. But what if the only reason I do anything is because it makes me feel better about me? Am I merely trying to buy back my soul for the atrocities of selfish drinking and extreme vanity that plagued me for almost 15 years? Maybe the reason I lay awake late at night trying to figure out how I can change the world is only because I tarnished the world to begin with?

    I do feel pain. In fact I cry when I see someone caught in the current of substance abuse. I see human souls hopelessly being tossed around into the consequences of compulsive indulgence. People inadvertently slamming into innocent bystanders and family members until something breaks and lives are damaged. I can sometimes actually feel the mass of  my own Jameson bottle still leaning next to my right leg as I sat on the couch and drank myself closer to death every night. I can still feel the very essence of the struggle on an almost cellular level. I can feel the hot blood pulsing through my veins and taste the shame and whiskey on my lips. In those moments there is nothing that I wouldn't do to take the burden of the struggle, even from a stranger, and fight the demon myself. After all, I am strong now, right? And I do know this enemy... but the battle is not mine to fight. I realize that the best thing I can do, is share my story, and offer up my own battle plan to help slay this powerful beast. Perhaps I can show how far I have come in my own journey. I can share my thoughts and what I am doing. I can tell them all that I have planned to help kill the beast... But then I realize that I am talking about me again...

    I am a runner. I am father. That is all that I am. That is probably all I should try to be. I don't run any farther or faster than a large majority of ultra runners. The only thing special about me is that 7 years ago my running shorts would have been size 50 and my hand held would have been full of whiskey. My Superman credentials only go as far as a tattoo I put on my left calf after I finished the Leadville 100 in 28:21:56.

David.

I know... I have a huge ego.

          Over the course of my travels from time to time I receive some interesting and conflicting feedback on my conversational skills. Sometimes I am made to feel very special by people who share with me how my story has helped them to find a better day for themselves. Or I might be fortunate enough to hear someone say they appreciate the way I give back to the community. Then occasionally I run into someone who directly or indirectly tells me to shut up and stop talking about how much I am doing, how much I run and how generally awesome I think I am... ouch.

    I think this is most likely due to the two separate and seemingly conflicting agendas that I hold. First and foremost I am a man who has been humbled by addiction and failure. I am a man who believes that if given a chance people are strong enough to lift themselves out of of the depths and reinvent themselves in an instant. I also know I needed help to get sober, so I try to help others through my foundation. But secondly I am also a competitive runner and athlete. I am a business owner and entrepreneur who has to believe I am capable of almost anything if I want to achieve something great.

   I get it. I talk a lot. I know this. I talk a lot about myself. I know this too. Many times in my childish love for life and my over zealous desire to share with others, I enthusiastically share what is going on in my life. I talk about what I am up to with my athletic endeavors and training. I talk about my charitable and philanthropic efforts. I become almost manic. I feel a well of pride and joy for simply being alive and I HAVE to tell you about it. I want everyone to know how The Superman Project is coming along. I want to share with people that not that long ago I couldn't run for more than 15 seconds without resting, and now I run 100 mile races in the mountains... and yes... I want to share that I am getting faster too, and that my hard work is paying off. I share not just to "brag" but because I want to be an example that there is no limit for what we can do if we try. I am not a narcissist. I care about my friends, my family my beautiful girlfriend. I carry the love of all  those close to me in each step I take. I am well aware that its not "all about me" and I genuinely want to know everything about what other people are doing. I want to know what scares people, what motivates people. I want to know what makes people come alive, and I want to know how much hardship and adversity they have overcome along the way.

 I guess I have always been considered extreme and perhaps even a touch eccentric in my life. I ruffle feathers at times, I say the politically incorrect things sometimes. I have always been capable of impressive self stroking in one moment and then humble reflection in the next. Why is it this way? I actually have no idea. I do know that not everyone wants to hear or talk about personal stuff, but I simply cant help myself. I used to guard every thought and emotion I had like it was a matter of national security. I felt if I gave any information that was unneeded it would be used against me at a later date. So I built walls. I lied. I twisted and turned the truth into a pretzel designed to be uneatable. But that behavior got me to be 320lbs, drunk, addicted to pills, addicted to food and waiting for death. So now I just talk. About it all. No secrets. No filters.
    It wasn't that long ago that I was lost and struggling to find anything positive in my life. I had absolutely no confidence left, I was at zero. I wasn't sure if I could lose weight anymore. I wasn't sure I could go a day without getting drunk and I wasn't very confident that I was going to follow through on my new lifestyle. So I stop worrying about it, and started moving forward until everything around me looked different. The distance has brought my confidence back but sometimes I am still overwhelmed by how far I have come. So if you are walking through Life Time and you hear me say something like;

"Damn! I can't believe how well I did in my race went last weekend"

    Make sure there are even other people around because I might just be talking to myself in shock.

Trading Addictions or Simply Living Free?

     I was asked by a friend recently if I merely "traded addictions" from booze to running and the answer is no. My newest addiction isn’t running at all; I am now addicted to living a fearless and sober life.

   There is no doubt that I am passionate and committed in everything that I do; fatherhood, running, healthy eating, business, you name it. I live with complete passion, a commitment to excellence, and I believe the only things worth doing- are those that you are willing to do completely.
    I have also faced the prospect of living without running in my life. Many people don’t know that I had a severe injury and underwent spinal surgery just two years into my sobriety. I was forced to not only face the prospect of never running again, but also the thought of never walking again without severe pain. I know that if I were forced to retire from the trails and from racing that my life would look different, yet it would be almost exactly the same in many ways. I would continue to confront my fears, challenge myself to be free, and not give anything less than everything to my pursuits.
   I know that many people will never understand what drives me commit so much energy and effort into the things I do- but I can tell you that I am driven by the need to be free from the ties that bind my mind and body- I am not a slave to them. I have been fortunate to have been granted the strength to bust the chains of addiction and servitude, and I am now free to shape my own life. I know now that in my new life even if I lost the gift of being able to run, I will never have to crawl again...

(from May 2011)