A Man Divided Against Himself Cannot Stand

Recently for Life Time Fitness as well as for The Superman Project, I have spent time speaking on major life changes. Its a topic that really hits home for me, and I think for most of us as well. We all seem to be curious about the realities and strategies of trying to redesign our lives and invariably when I share a little of my own story I seem to get the same question; "What was the turnaround point for you?" On the surface it seems like a simple enough question, but then I remember how many times I thought I had previously reached that "turn around point" only to continue on to years and years of more fast food and alcohol indulgence. It always makes me stop and think and look back to my lowest points. I have always loved an underdog, and I have always loved to read about people overcoming amazing hardship only to rise above the masses. So how is it that some people are able to instantly walk away from major problems like depression, addiction, paralyzing fears or even the tragic loss of family members, and go on to live happy and empowered lives? How is it that these people transform so completely in the face of so much pain, while others wallow in the gloom of the daily grind-or worse, struggle with something as seemingly simple as the battle to lose weight and eat healthyI believe the answer is in who are think we are. Not necessarily who we actually are- but who we convince ourselves we are. The reason I was unsuccessful for so many years in my resolve to quit abusing drugs and alcohol, was simply due to the fact that I had decided I was a drinker and a user. It was how I identified myself- how I thought of myself. I fancied myself in the long line of business men who handled the stress of doing something big by engaging in self destructive pursuits away from the office. I mentally tied my drinking and food addiction to everything I did. My indulgence so deteriorated my image of self  that I devolved to the point that I had associated my chemical addiction to my very heritage. Of course I had to use alcohol everyday, it was in the lexicon of who I was; my birthright. "I'm Irish for Gods sake" When I decided superficially I wasn't going to drink anymore, either because it was killing me or robbing me of my motivation to work, or even out of fear of adverse consequences with relationships- I was instantly in conflict. I was trying to remove a behavior that was tied to my very perception of who I was. Talk about mental anguish! No wonder my efforts to quit were so futile. I believe wholly that we cannot live in harmony when our actions and daily activities or not in line with our beliefs. That's the kinda shit that makes people suck on tail pipes or eat bullets. However, the day I changed my idea of who David Clark was, David Clark started to change his behavior.
I decided one day that I was an athlete. Further, I decided that I was a sober athlete. Granted, I didn't have much evidence to support my new theory, so I went out and made some. I went to the gym. I went to AA. I registered for a 5k. I told everyone that I had been living a lie. I also decided that I was not a fat person. I proclaimed that I was only fat because I had drifted off the path. I took my torch, fired it up and burned every bridge back to my old life. I started to think of myself as great father and a responsible member the community. I was a man that lived an honest life. I decided that everything I thought about myself previously must be wrong; if it wasn't wrong than why was I so unhappy before?
You don't have to dig too deep to find this in an old topic. Aristotle, the Dali Lama, Earl Nightingale and Tony Robbins have been telling us these things for ages, so if we all have this knowledge than why isn't everyone happy? Why are people addicted to food or drugs, or gambling? The answer may be that it's hard and uncomfortable to investigate our self image. We become very invested in our illusions and paradigms. We don't want to admit that we need to change. To let go of years of who we are almost feels like a failure of identity; it feels scary. I can say it is not. In fact it may be the gateway to the life we have always wanted for ourselves.
I have certainly not solved any great mystery of life, but I did solve the puzzle of why I was so unkind to myself for so many years. Being an addict has definitely caused me some pain in my life, there is no way to argue otherwise, but it has also brought me a tremendous gift. The gift of remembering the value of fearless self inventory and honesty- as well as the power of redefining who I am. My current image of me is nothing if it isn't malleable. I am constantly changing and refining it. And as long as I look in the mirror and see a guy who wants to improve the quality of the lives of the people he loves, as long as I see a sober and healthy man, a loving father... I will keep my head down and keep running straight for the finish line without looking back.