12 Steps in 12 Days

 Twelve days from today, providing everything goes exactly as planned... (Gods please be not tempted) I will be finishing my 300 mile run for recovery. As a person in recovery myself, I know that to lead a life of sobriety and honesty I must constantly be willing to revisit the shadows of my past and vigilantly ask tough questions like "Why?". Why did I feel the compulsion to drink myself nearly to death? Why did I medicate myself with drugs and food as my health deteriorated and my weight skyrocketed?" I feel there is value to my own recovery in seeking the truth to these questions but I also feel the better the understanding I have of my own behavior, the better my chances are to help others find their own path to peace.

   So, I am taking 12 steps over the next 12 days as I make my way through the Colorado Rockies. Yes, The 12 steps. The ones you always read about in books or see in the daytime made for TV movies. The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now those of you who know me know that I don't fit the profile of your "average" AA 12 stepper- true enough. But that doesn't mean I'm not an advocate for the self discovery and spiritual awakening that can occur from tackling such concepts as "completing a fearless moral inventory" or "making amends for harm caused to others" In fact contrary to some opinions, the paths I run aren't always of the mountainous variety, and even a llama dancing Irish guy takes a deep spiritual trail now and again- I certainly didn't get to 2467 days in recovery without sifting through the bones on my closet floor every now and again.
 
    Some background information:
  
     Most of the 12 steps I have covered already in my soon to be 7 year path to sobriety. Some I have landed on only briefly enough to touch my shoe before passing along quickly- and others I have taken out of order or skipped over completely. Not this time. During this 300 mile journey of recovery I will take each step one at a time, and as fearlessly as possible. I will carry each one with me for miles, and miles, and miles. And then I will share them with you- if you are interested, of course.   
    I will post one step each day over the next 12 as I make my way from Wyoming to New Mexico. The first two steps will be completed as I prepare for the run- the last ten steps will be done each day as I run along the divide from north to south. I will start the morning with the "Day's Step" in my mind- and I will turn it over, look through it, and take it part as I run. I will search every corner of my soul for the unwashed truth, and at night as I lay in bed I will share a potion of my thoughts with you. My hope is by sharing my personal thoughts, somehow we connect on a level that means something personal to you- perhaps my feelings will mirror your own, or speak to you in a language that will translate to your own journey or to someone whom you love.



Day 1- Monday May 7th

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

    Like most alcoholics I struggled with this step greatly- and in fact it had me trapped in a soul shattering and sanity bending melee that lasted 15 years or longer. Admitting that I was an alcoholic meant I was weak. I did not define myself as a weak individual. After all I had manged to own a chain of retail stores at 29 years old- I didn't get there by being weak or having an unmanageable life. So I resisted. I argued and fought battles inside my head non stop every day. I tried to convince myself that I was just stressed from work. Or that I needed to just "get back into the gym". Or maybe even what I was doing was normal for people in my position- after all I had a lot of people depending an me- So what if I need to have a few (30) drinks and shake of the day...?
   One night a thought hit me so hard that it made the blood drain out of my face and left me feeling hollow and exposed all in an instant; "I'll bet people who aren't alcoholics don't lay awake all night long wondering if they are alcoholics" Damn. Game over.

   I gave up the ghost. My ass was getting kicked; even I could see that much. I figured if I displayed every characteristic of addictive behavior towards alcohol, then certainly I must be addicted to it. And if I am addicted to alcohol- I shouldn't drink. Period. After years of trying to find the elusive logarithm of  responsible drinking (drink only on weekends- beer only- only drink if I have worked out that day.. etc) I knew I was never going to figure it out. I was also very aware of one inescapable and frightening truth; my drinking was getting worse. Not only was it getting worse, it didn't seem to make a difference what negative consequence my drink brought- vomiting blood, shaking violently in the morning, DUI's- I forgave alcohol for the horrible things it was doing to me, and I kept on drinking. I even kept drinking when my heart starting beating so inexplicably fast that I was put on 48 hour cardiac watch. I even drank hours after the doctor told me that my blood pressure was so dangerously high that he didn't want to leave the office without taking medication. Now that I thought about it, my life was completely unmanageable. And who was I kidding? I had absolutely no control over alcohol at all.That sounds like step one....