First Day of Run- Step Three

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

   This morning I woke up, put on my running-shoes and ate some breakfast- pretty normal stuff. My plan was to start the day with a nice long run through the mountains of about 23 miles with some hills- again, nothing abnormal here. What was different about today was where the run would start- and where I would be when I considered it done.
   I was on my way to the Wyoming border for the start of the 300 Mile Recovery Run- a run that will involve a crew of several volunteers, my fiancee sacrificing two weeks from her already loaded work schedule, a host of generous benefactors and a community wide effort to help people struggling with addiction. This cross state trek will cover over 300 miles, go over four rocky mountain passes, last 10 days or more and will include me and and my friends running 30-35 miles a day to finish at the New Mexico state line. None of this was lost on me as I sat in the passenger seat looking out the window taking in the rolling hills and mountain ranges. I couldn't help but think of everything that has transpired in my life over the last seven years. All of the many interwoven and interdependent events that had to occur to deliver me to this exact moment and this exact place. Where was I seven years ago today? How did I get here?

   After a quick photo at the WY/CO state line I gave kiss to Emily and a hug to our friend Becky and set off on my journey. I started running and immediately took notice of the altitude change (8800 feet at the start). I looked around at the beautiful surroundings and found peace in the fact that whatever happens moving forward, it was a gift just to be able to attempt something like this. As my heart rate settled down and my pace locked in I let my mind go to the third step of AA.

 "Made a decision to turn or will over to the care of God as we understood him..."

     I immediately went into a somewhat defensive stance as I mulled this one over. People will think I am crazy if I tell them that I turned my life over to God. And moreover- they wont believe me! People know me for being a guy that tends to take action when I want to do something- I am deliberate and I am determined to say it politely- a bulldog at times to say it honestly. How does that fit into the concept of turning over your will to God?
    I believe one of the universal struggles of humans in general, and addicts in particular, is feeling the need to try to control things. I know I have struggled with this my whole life. And in fact there were times in my life where it seemed to serve me quite well. But then again, I did end up puking blood into the toilet everyday for years- so maybe it didn't really serve me as well as I first thought. While I am on the subject, I think its safe to say that for all of my efforts to stay on top of details and try to be 10 steps ahead of life's next challenge- it was always something unforeseen that would jump out of bushes and kick me in the balls and subsequently send me back to the bar to try to architect a better plan. More control, more planning, more monitoring.... yeah right.

  Turning my will over to the care of God meant admitting that control is really an illusion at best- an obsession at worst. Trying to figure everything out and put it into neat little files was going to drive me crazy and make me kill myself in the process. I believe in the big picture of the universe things are working pretty well and efficiently. The sun rises everyday- sets at night, season change- flowers bloom; impressive. So the only real control I was ever going to have was to accept that God was out there- his plan was probably better than mine- and I need to stop worrying about things I cant control. What I can control is how I respond to the events that transpire in my universe. I can be in charge of my behavior, my emotions and my reactions. That is if I can just relax for moment and breathe as the world spins on it own.

  This isn't to say that I subscribe to a "whatever happens, happens" attitude. I work hard. I try to bring about the best, most favorable circumstances I can. I strive to provide for my family, protect the ones I love, and to help others that could benefit from my experiences. But I know that ultimately- its in his hands- and I'm OK with that. I'm betting his plan doesn't include lounging in the gutter of life. I'm sure his plan includes me using all the measure of my God given attributes. My reason, my logic, my experience, my emotion and my love- to craft a life that I can be proud of. A life that I can openly share every detail of, including the embarrassing stuff- because I have nothing to hide anymore. I am OK with whatever happens. I trust that nothing in God's plan includes a hardship that I am unable to overcome. I don't always like what happens in my life- but I like my chances of handling it well with a clean and sober and thankful heart.



300 RUN- DAY ONE:
    Today we started with a "short" run of 23 miles from the WY border to Walden. The terrain was significantly more hilly than expected and we did run into the wind all day- however, we had a great first day! Emily ran about 12-13 miles with me and Becky drove all the way out to Walden to be our crew chief, volunteer and driver. 
  I did have a weird piriformis issue that  caused some pain and numbness after 18 miles or so- but my legs feel fresh and I am feeling ready for tomorrow. I fear that if the people of Walden were to be made aware of our veganism we would be pulled from our hotel and feed to the cows that are surrounding the motel complex. If we disappear, please look for Emily's laptop and my Herbalife hat in the pastures...

David.