Day 5 of run- Steps 6 &7

Step 6: "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character"


Step 7: "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings"



     Today I started the long journey from Hwy 9 to Silverthorne, through Dillon, over the pass to Frisco and finally on to Copper Mountain. Today's run comes the day after we climbed steady uphill all the way from Kremmling past Hot Sulpher Springs to Hwy 9 for almost 2000 feet of climbing. We ran a bit faster than was probably advised yesterday (running a 4:15 marathon after 3 hard thirtyish mile days of running in a row) and I think I paid for it today... more on that.

  Saturday my parents came up to spend the next few days with Emily and I at base camp in Leadville and they were a welcomed sight. We went out to Tennessee Pass Cafe for dinner and got home and to bed before it was late. The morning came early (as always) and Emily, my dad and I set off to drive to the start of today's run. I knew when I mapped out the run that this would be one of the toughest sections and a real gut check.. I was right.

   I have been running the first hour or two each morning to give myself time to sort through my thoughts and go over the spiritual part of my 12 steps across Colorado- today was no exception. I set off running and was provided immediate feedback by my body. Something along the lines of "what the f$#k are you doing? Stop running now!" My left foot caught on fire- my left butt check went numb and my right knee tightened like there was a tourniquet on it.  The pattern over the last few days has been that it takes a few miles to get going before I feel like I can run reasonably well, so I tried to keep going and give my body a chance to adjust. Mile 1- no change. Mile 2- no change- Mile 3, 4, 5- no change. Oh shit. Doubt and worry started to worm there way in to my head. I had a simple thought that I made my mantra for the day "I'm not giving a single inch today- we are going to all the way Copper" I kept running past the crew car and shooting the "thumbs up" to Emily and my Dad even though I was hurting pretty bad. I never wanted Emily to be out running with me more in my life and I knew she was chomping at the bit to get out. But I needed to get close to Silverthorne before I asked her to run or I might just breakdown. I needed a reason to keep running through the pain- that reason was the thought that Emily could carry me the last 18-20 if I can make it to to Silverthorne...

     I eventually ran through the worst of the knee pain after about 6-7 miles and started to feel genuinely spectacular when Emily joined me- and with a few exceptions that feeling lasted for the rest of the day. Emily and I ran through town and had a huge surprise along the way.. Chris Green showed up to run with us and meet us at various points along the course all the way until we left Frisco. After Chris left, Emily and I ran from Frisco to Copper along on a beautiful little trail that winds through the mountains along I-70. The snow started to fall on us and it was a beautiful moment caught in time. I have often seen this trail from the Hwy and I have always wondered what it would be like to run on it- now I will never forget it. We ran into Copper and all the way up to the big Copper Mountain sign- we hugged it and celebrated another run completed together.


  12 Stepping away...

    The City of Dillon represents a very important part of my life's journey and this run for recovery. In 2001-2003 I owned a retail furniture store in Dillon- I had a condo here, and I also sank very deep into my chemical addiction during this time. I remember telling a friend of mine then that I was crossing a line with my alcohol abuse that will be hard to return from. I used to close my store around 7pm and go to the liquor store every night to buy a bottle of Johnny Walker Red and a six pack of Heineken- my mission for the night was simple- drink it all. My substance abuse took on an interesting and dark personality change- I no longer wanted to drink- I had to. I was going to drink  no matter how I felt, whether I wanted to or not or even if I was breaking down physically.

    When I ran into Dillon today I stared to cry. It all came back to me. I ran past Murphy's Bar where I once was so drunk I couldn't stay on my barstool- I ran past my old condo and I ran past many old other ghosts and skeletons. I had a panic attack as I climbed the hill towards The Damn Road- I looked over at my old retail store and thought "what if this is all a dream?" What if I never went for a run in August of 2005? What if I never admitted I was powerless over alcohol? What if I was still in that store over there, sitting behind my desk with a bottle of Johnny Red right now? I choked back another wave of tears and kept running. I reaffirmed that I was alive, I was right here in this moment and in fact I started this run 140 miles ago on the border of Wyoming... Chalk one up to the power of redemption and stubborn will to not lay down and die.

     You know, when I used to drink and abuse drugs daily it wasn't because there was no joy in my life. In fact I had many things that did in fact give me great pride.I was a dad- and I loved my kids like crazy. I had a business. I provided jobs and income to many families. I paid a lot of taxes and I serviced thousands of customers. But at night when the demons came out to play, I could never shake the thought that there was more to life. Well, I may not have a checking account with six figures anymore- but I cant remember the last time I wondered about life being empty. I know now there is so some much more to life than I ever thought possible...  All I need is a little more time to get it right for myself and maybe help someone else along the way to see what I once couldn't find in fog.

     The AA steps 6 & 7 are very intertwined to me and I couldn't really do one without also doing the other. The steps them selves need little explanation from me as they are personal and yet very easy to follow. That is if you can find that silent and calmly confident part of your soul that wants truth more than comfort. I can say this about 6 & 7- I have never been more ready in my life to have God help  remove my shortcomings and defects. I have a new life. I am a new man. In many ways I am a new father. And I am getting ready to be a new husband. I don't want to make any mistakes, in any area, that I have already made. I know that deep inside I can be a better man. Less selfish. More nurturing and smarter... definitely smarter. I don't need to be perfect- just perfectly ready to be better. God I humbly ask you to remove my defects...