Day Two- Step Two

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."



      Today on my 3 hour drive to the hotel and starting line of The 300 Mile Recovery Run, I had a lot of time to think about the big picture of my life and how what I do and say affects those that I love. When I think of all the good times I have had in my recovery, all the precious little moments with my children and my fiancee that never would have happened were I still using, I feel vertigo from being so overwhelmed. To think 100's of hockey games, movie nights or simple sober conversations would all be erased if I had just one more drink years ago. In these moments I feel the presence of something bigger than me in the universe. 


       Many people in recovery struggle greatly with the concept of a higher power.  For me it is the simple awareness that there is something much greater in the world than me or the person standing next to me. There is morality, and honor and truth and love, all of which are much greater in impact and importance than whether I, David Clark ever walked on the earth. I think of bravery, patriotism, chaos theory and years of studying chemistry and biology. They all lead me to the conclusion that nothing here is completely random and without meaning. I believe as Voltaire said "Surely the existence of a watch is proof of a watch maker. What then are you and I proof of if not a creator?"


      I don't subscribe to any organized religion that I am aware of. I believe in evolution, science and intelligent design. And I believe there is a power in the way the universe works that can help me and others find their way back home from addiction. There was a thought I kept revisiting when I first wrestled with this concept of a higher power; "If I knew so much about life and the universe, and if I really had an inside bead on the fallacy of religion and life, why was so screwed up that I couldn't even manage to go a few hours without numbing myself and exiting from reality?" Maybe I didn't really know so much after all. And maybe since I am not doing such a bang up job of managing my life and abstaining from substance abuse- I should just surrender it all and see what happens... What I found out in the process was that surrender was not an act of weakness at all, but perhaps the most powerful and strong moment of my entire life. Sometimes I guess, strength can come from seeing how weak you really are...


  So that is that. I believed then, and I believe now that there is something greater than me out there. I believe that power helped me find my way back to sanity and has kept me there for some time now. But I must never forget how difficult it was back in the first few moments of my sobriety. In fact it was not just difficult- it was a huge blind leap into the abyss of faith. I had no idea what the future would look like, I certainly didn't know how it would be possible to never drink again. But I did know that if I didn't get of the merry go round I would die- I took out my matches and started burning every bridge behind me I could see; Whats next?